A few months back, Emma shared the story of experiencing pregnancy loss at the age 19. She detailed how her age played a factor in how people reacted to her baby and her pregnancy in general. The following is her perspective of life after pregnancy loss.

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It’s been 13 months since I was told my baby didn’t have a heartbeat and I still get moments where my grief consumes me. To this day, I still get moments where my thoughts overwhelm me and convince me it was my fault. Maybe if I didn’t go on that night out the day before I found out or if I didn’t have that energy drink my baby would be with me. For the longest time whenever I would try to do something fun my brain would remind me I should be a mum and I felt the same paralyzing sadness I felt the day I was sat in the hospital being told my baby was dead.

I feel my loss and grief was overlooked a lot because of my age. I was devastated when friends and family would say “it’s for the best,” “you were too young anyway, now you can enjoy life,” “you can just try again in a few years.” I was expected to get over it so quickly when in reality, it took months of therapy and countless amounts of tears. My family was so unsupportive with my loss, even ones that should’ve been able to empathize, which made the healing process so much harder than it had to be. I will forever be thankful that I had Gwen in my life to get me through every tear, emotion and any thought that went through my head during my worst moments.

For a long time, I would get so jealous seeing everyone else’s pregnancy announcements thinking it should’ve been me. I can’t count the amount of announcements I’ve cried over, no matter how happy I was for them my brain would automatically cloud with anger.  The day after I found out my baby was no longer alive, I had the baby shower of a close friend. I resented her for having the life I was dreaming of. Watching her and her son hit milestones while taking them completely for granted felt more and more painful, eventually to the point I couldn’t even look at her and ending up cutting contact.

The worst pain came when the realization finally hit that my boyfriend wasn’t ready to try again. My mind was so prepared to be a mother I went through a totally new phase of sadness and grief. For months, every period felt like a missed opportunity and I felt the need to take a pregnancy test even though I was certain of the result. Yet the sadness of remembering what was no longer there felt like a punch in the face every period I had. 

I know the pain will always be there but I feel it does get easier, like any other form of grief I’ve molded my life around it and that’s okay. As time is going on I’m definitely getting happier and healthier and finally letting myself heal.