I remember writing our life story a few months ago, and reading it now, I see the progress and the setbacks. I read about the hurt and the pain I went through and still do but with a different perspective. This is our story because it is my husband and I’s story, not just mine. 

Everything I had dreamed about and prepared for fell apart. December 21, 2022, was the day I died while still alive, if that makes sense. I am a 30-year-old female who lives in California. I am married to my high school sweetheart, and we have one beautiful dog named Bella. Our 2022 had been a rough year in general, with work and personal lives, but everything was turned upside down, more than it already was, on October 21, 2022. I had a routine appointment with my OBGYN every year since I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18. During this appointment, my OB was conducting an intervaginal ultrasound, and to our surprise, I was roughly 12 weeks pregnant. Shock has to be an understatement. The panic started to settle in, and the fear of the unknown also started. 

How is this even possible? First, I have had a period every 28-33 days, been on birth control, and even on other medications to help with the PCOS. The baby’s heartbeat was great and was measured at the needed measurements. As I left that office, I was nervous about telling my husband. We had not talked about when we would start trying for babies, and this, by far, was not the best time either. He was leaving his job and starting a new one. This was the same day he was scheduled to be done at the old job. I went home, dressed, and left for a concert my girlfriends and I had tickets to. I would have to talk to my husband after. 

When I told my husband, pure panic and shock came from him. He was nervous and lost. We both knew we were being careful, so he exhibited the same shock I felt. I remember him trying to make light of the situation with comments but was still lost. It took a few days to settle with the idea of what would happen. 

Fast forward to November 12, when we received the NIPT results and our baby’s gender. We did not want to do a gender reveal as we had not told our family yet since we were waiting for my sister-in-law to have her baby, and we also wanted to make sure our baby was okay. So while sitting in our garage and washing cars, we discovered we were expecting a little girl. I remember my husband always wanted girls, and I was happy. That weekend we told our families, and it was pure joy. For his parents, this would be their third grandchild, but for my parents, she was the first. We announced to the rest of the world that upcoming week and that’s when it finally hit; we were having a baby. 

The next few weeks, we spent picking nursery colors, themes, strollers, activities, and anything and everything we could think of. We had planned soccer for her as her first activity, Disney for her first trip to a theme park, and so much more. My husband showed excitement and was already getting called Dad at work. I was excited and knew that, at least for the next 18 years, I would not be alone again. My husband is a first responder and has very crazy work hours, so she was going to be my companion. 

December 16, 2022, everything changed. I got a call from the lab that my fetal protein was higher than usual. They gave me various reasons why it could be high such as twins, placenta problems, or the baby releasing the protein. I told my husband, and he was as scared as I was. I ended up in the hospital on Saturday due to my high blood pressure. While I was hospitalized, an ultrasound was performed. At the end of my visit, I was informed my baby was doing well and, not to worry, she was fine. That calmed us down, and I felt like I could breathe. 

Well, during our specialist visit, reality hit. My husband and I arrived at the center. Our appointment was at 8 am, and we waited for an eternity. When we were finally called, we were taken into a lunchroom with a genetic counselor, who asked every possible history question. I was confused about why we were being asked all of this. Well, the lab technician gave us the wrong fetal protein number. We were told it was 5.8, but in reality, it was 15.8, which a normal fetal protein for one baby is 2.4. My heart broke. I couldn’t answer anything; I was just so numb. I remember being pressured to complete some tests and procedures, but I would not consent to them. It was until my husband told her we would not consent to anything until we saw the specialist, even if we had to pay out of pocket. When we finally were done, we were placed in the waiting room for another 45 minutes, where all I saw were happy pregnant women coming in and out, and I started to feel like I was not going to be one of them.

Finally, we were taken back to the ultrasound room, where it all was looking good. The technician showed us our little girl’s head, hands, face, and heartbeat, and everything went quiet. She said, “There is a problem with the spine,” and that was the last thing she said. For the next 20 minutes, I lay there wishing it was a terrible dream. Well, the specialist came in and confirmed our worst fear: our baby would not make it. Our little girl has a severe spine problem that did not fully develop, and her little tummy never closed. My first question was about quality of life and what did that look like, and he said there wasn’t one. She would most likely not make it through delivery; if she did, it would be for a few minutes. Bringing her into this world was only going to cause her pain and suffering, as well as put my life at risk. His concern was the spine being a genetic problem, which we recently learned was not a genetic issue but rather a lack of development. Much more was discussed during the visit, but I can’t even begin to explain. The pain is what I remember and still feel.

The specialist left and gave us some time. I remember my husband helping me off the bed and just hugging me. All I could say was sorry to him. I felt so guilty and responsible for putting him and her through this. It has taken me a long time to feel less and less guilty, but I would be lying if I said the guilt was gone. We both knew what we had to do. As much as we wanted to be selfish and bring her into this world and hold her a little longer, as a parent, our job is to be unselfish and do what is best for our child. In this situation, we did not want to cause her more pain. 

The next few days were just full of numbness and pain. We let our immediate family know what was happening and when our baby would grow her angel wings. Christmas Eve came and went. This was our favorite holiday, and it was now full of pain and suffering. My husband was so lost. I remember waking up in the middle of the night while he hugged me and held my stomach crying. The pain in his eyes I will never forget. The fear of losing his new job as he had no time off available to him, thankfully they were very understanding and have always believed family comes first.  

On December 27, 2022, the first part of the D and C was started, and I was already struggling. Because I was about 20-21 weeks, I had to get some assistance to dilate. The following day, I was admitted at 9:30 am. My husband stayed with me through the entire process. He held my hand, tried to make me laugh, and helped me sleep. And at 2:30 pm, I was wheeled away, and I said goodbye to my husband. I feared what would happen, but the pain in my husband’s eyes was the same pain I was feeling. I knew that when I woke up, my baby would be gone, and she was. I woke up at 4:30 feeling panicked, and all I wanted to do was cry. The nurse and anesthesiologist tried calming me down, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t until my OBGYN came in and handed me a piece of paper with my baby’s footprint and a recording of her heartbeat. That is all I will ever have of her. Next time you see your babies, hold them tight because some of us will never be able to do that. 

As time has passed, we have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. I have received support from many and have heard nasty remarks from others. People who I believed to be close to me have said things that have hurt me as they could never understand. With the help of a therapist, my husband and I have been moving forward and grieving in the healthiest way possible. The way we grieved has been different. I grieved immediately and felt every emotion possible, depression, anxiety, hurt, suicidal thoughts, and so much more. But now, seven months later, I feel a little better. My husband did not hit the lowest point of grieving until recently, I feel it all started around May when I was due. Right now, I am trying to be there for him and help him through the same way he was there for me, unconditionally.  As a couple, we are the strongest we have ever been, which I am grateful for. At the moment, I do have good days and bad days. And on my low days, I try to remember what a dear friend told me “Your little girl forgot something up in the sky, and she will be back.” I pray she does. 

This experience has changed me forever. I will never be the same person I was before. As the days pass, I miss my little girl more and more, but I am learning to move forward. As we talk about trying for another baby, the fear of losing them is there, and I don’t think that will ever go away. My innocence of pregnancy has been taken away, and all it has left me is fear and anxiety. But even with it all, I pray and hope that one day, we will soon be blessed with a baby who can make it earthside healthy. I will endure anything I have to bring a child into this world because, at the end of the day, holding him or her and seeing my husband hold them will be worth any pain and suffering I must endure. 

Termination for medical reasons is what I am labeled as now. Growing up, I remember saying I would never have an abortion. I was one of those people. But it is true; you don’t know until you are in those shoes. Now, I am thankful I live in a state where this is possible. I am aware some people will not approve of what we did, but it would have been selfish of us to put our child in a position to suffer. I pray and hope one day, people will understand the pain we go through and have to endure. This pain will never go away. We are told to move forward and forget by very close people, but all I can say now is let us grieve our way. We lost someone who was very innocent and loved, with no explanation. We will forever have a piece of our heart missing. I want to thank those who have given us our space and been here for us, from family, friends, and employers. Having support has been a big part of our healing process. To my dear husband, thank you for being my support system and showing me so much love; if it were not for you, I would not have made it through this. Our little angel and I love you unconditionally. We will remember her and hold her things close and very tight until we meet again. 

KMT 12/28/2022