How can you miss someone so much who you never really knew?

I lost my baby early at 6 weeks. At first I was relieved, then I was devastated.

I was 20 when I got pregnant, a college student, just lost my virginity, and not in a stable relationship. 

I was worried at first of how I could afford to support a child. Then I thought about what a miracle it is that I could create this tiny life. I decided that I would be willing to drop out, get a fulltime job, and do anything I could for this baby. 

The dad? Not so much. He wanted nothing to do with the child he helped to create. I told him I needed help and received none, I think the stress led to my early miscarriage. 

My baby would be about 3 months old now. She (I like to think it was a baby girl) would be able to feel my heartbeat and know her name when I say it to her. I never knew her well and yet it’s like I lost part of myself, like there’s this empty hole in my heart where that love existed. I want to grieve and yet don’t know how when there is nothing to bury, when there is no sign that this little human existed.

I know this story is different from others here: it’s not in a family, I wasn’t trying to conceive, and there is no happy ending. 

But I think it’s important: not only to help myself to heal but to make it known that not every loss is one that’s easy to understand. Not every loss is one that makes sense to other people. I hope this can also help bring a bit of awareness to it and hopefully a bit of comfort in solidarity with others who have gone through something similar.