Abel Faith

I was so excited, after months of tracking and months of negative tests, it finally happened.

Steven was still at work when I found out. So I kept it to myself for the day. I put a shirt on my daughter that said “Big Sister” that I bought months before (and hid from Steven) right before Steven got home.
We surprised him when he got home from work and we were both so ecstatic.

Late in the night several days later, I had severe cramping and nausea and started to bleed severely. I sat on the toilet, crying my eyes out because I knew what this led to since I have experienced a miscarriage before (I had 3 chemical pregnancies before my oldest, with my first being the most severe bleeding). Steven held my hand and I cried, thinking we were losing our baby right then and there. I had cramps the rest of the night, but the bright red bleeding eventually stopped.

The first thing the next morning, I called my doctor and asked if I could be seen by somebody that morning because I was bleeding the night before. The receptionist told me a time and I then called up my neighbor to ask if they could watch my daughter (my husband had work that day). I dropped my daughter off and went to my doctor’s office.

I ended up seeing a midwife I hadn’t met before there that day. She asked me several questions about when my last period was, when I got the test, what the bleeding was like, how the cramps felt, etc. I also had already given a urine sample and according to my last period, I also shouldn’t have tested positive for them either.
She told me that bleeding could be normal in early pregnancy but still wanted to check on things. She thought I was further along than my last bleeding (period). They took some blood to check my HCG levels and had me come back in a few days to get another draw to see how it was progressing.
I also shared that I felt what I described as “early pregnancy flutters” but knew it couldn’t be that because I wasn’t far enough along. But I would feel a lot of swishing around especially when I lay down.

I was a nervous wreck for the following few days. Originally, Steven and I wanted to keep the news to ourselves as long as possible, because no matter what, due to our previous experiences, this pregnancy was going to be mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing on us both. We needed time to process it ourselves. I reached out to my parents, because they lived close by, and explained what was happening and ask for help to watch my daughter.

Two days later, I went into the office again. This time for only a blood draw. I got a call later that day from the midwife with the results. My HCG went up, but not enough to show it was progressing how it should. The blood draw also showed them that I was further along than originally thought and they would be able to find the baby on ultrasound. She asked me if I was able to come in within the hour for an ultrasound.

I was so anxious driving to the doctor. I just felt like something was wrong. I had bad anxiety (which isn’t completely abnormal for me) about the pregnancy from the moment we decided to get the IUD out and try to have a baby. I told my doctor the day my IUD came out, “I just feel like something bad will happen. I know it’s because it’s all I ever have known.” I was reassured that it was okay to feel that way but to remember it is a new pregnancy and new baby so it could be a different experience.

In the following months of trying to conceive, I would tell my husband constantly, “I just feel like something horrible will happen. I feel like we are going to have a stillbirth or another kind of loss. I just feel like that is what will happen.” I knew this was my anxiety talking because I was scared to experience preeclampsia or the NICU again. My oldest was born at 35 weeks, had growth restriction and I developed preeclampsia with severe features, so I was so scared of it happening again. I knew getting pregnant again was putting myself in the exact same position that brought me so much trauma years ago. We both were willing to roll the dice, but hoping for the best.

I didn’t have to wait too long to be seen. Looking back, it’s probably because they suspected something was wrong. I saw the ultrasound tech before the midwife. She led me into the ultrasound room. I laid back and took a deep breath as I watched the TV screen in front of me.
Because I had an early ultrasound before in my life, I knew what I should see if things were okay. But there was nothing there. I still silently hoped I was looking at things wrong, but deep down I knew there was something wrong. The tech spent a lot of time searching and taking pictures but was silent. She eventually told me she needed more pictures of my ovary and was going to use the over-the-stomach ultrasound wand. I thought it was odd, but didn’t know what to really think.
Eventually, she told me the midwife would speak with me about the ultrasound and helped me wipe up all the goo and led me to a room.

The midwife came in, her expression was soft with her eyes full of empathy. She explained I had a 4 cm cyst in my ovary that appeared to be bleeding. And my uterus was empty. She said they couldn’t find a pregnancy. She suggested it could be either an ectopic which was typically in a fallopian tube but could be in the ovary, or the cyst was secreting HCG. I stared at her blankly. And asked, “So I’m not pregnant?”
She paused and explained the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy and asked if I had any other bleeding besides the initial bleeding or other symptoms. I told her no. It was the end of the work day, so she asked me to come in to the next morning to speak to the doctor but if anything changed to go straight to the ER and report I have been monitoring at the clinic for a suspected ectopic pregnancy.

The next morning I went to the office but the doctor wasn’t there so they took some more blood work. They told me again if something changed to go to the ER but they would call me once the doctor was back from surgeries. I was finally called to come in that afternoon. I called up my parents to ask to watch my daughter and my husband and I went to the office.

We didn’t wait long, I was taken back almost immediately. Doctor came in with a nurse and explained everything cut and dry (which is one of the things I love most about him– he tells it how it is).
“You have what we call pregnancy of unknown location. All we know is it isn’t the uterus. The cyst has started to burst, which is what the blood flow was on the ultrasound. And I suspect the pregnancy is in your tube, which is an ectopic pregnancy, based on your HCG levels and the ultrasound.” He later explained that it was possible it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and that the treatment for ectopic pregnancy he recommended was surgery.

“Okay.” was all I said.

He explained how the surgery would go. It would be laparoscopic with 3 incisions. If my tube was too damaged, he would take it out but would try to keep it and he would do a D & C to make sure everything was out and recovery would be about 6 weeks.
I nodded while slowly putting the pieces together, “Oh like this is happening today?”

He nodded. “Yes, like right now.”

I then burst into tears, and in between sniffles tried to explain that my daughter’s birth was an emergency surgery too. His eyes were very kind and said, “Surgery is scary. I would be more concerned if you weren’t scared.” The nurse chimed in, “This surgery will be in a more controlled environment and it’ll be an outpatient procedure.” I nodded shaking, and they handed me tissues before leaving for a moment to get the paperwork that needed to be signed and done in the office and call the hospital to let them know I was coming.

I called my parents and quickly explained we would be longer and that I was going into surgery at the hospital and that Steven would call with updates when we are done. Quickly, we signed the paperwork and drove over to the hospital.

Once we were there, everything happened so quickly. Within minutes of arriving and getting to the right place, I was taken back for surgery. I was crying so hard but everyone there was so kind to me and was comforting me. Telling me it was okay to be scared and sad.
The next thing I remember, I was in recovery, the nurse there wasn’t the kindest and I was still a little groggy and kept talking about a baby and she said, “it wasn’t a baby see?” And brought over my tube that was taken out in a container and what looked like a baby in the late first trimester inside the tube. I just accepted that she didn’t believe a baby that early was really a baby and instead “products of conception”. My doctor gave Steven photos taken during the surgery and we could see it all. He mentioned to Steven he was surprised I wasn’t in more pain because my tube almost ruptured and the cyst was large and bleeding into my abdomen.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. We got home and my parents brought over my oldest and we settled in and talked a bit about what happened. I cried a lot that night and just felt in disbelief. I was in pain, but mostly due to all the cramping and bleeding associated with a D & C.

I struggled to mourn. I shared publicly pretty quickly because with my oldest we kept things private which was not helpful at all. I wanted and needed all the support I could get. We had a lot of support which was so nice. Neighbors and friends dropped off meals, sent flowers and gifts and just kind messages. It felt so nice to feel supported and love during the worst part of my life.

There wasn’t a burial or a funeral. I don’t have a headstone to visit or really any proof that my baby died. I had a positive pregnancy test. And pictures of the surgery with my baby in my tube. We named our baby a few days after surgery so we could have a name to remember our baby by: Abel Faith.

All I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry. My bones ached with depression. I felt so empty but yet so silly for grieving so hard. Not only was I grieving my baby, I was grieving what was supposed to be my last pregnancy and my hope for a better experience. That loss was unbearable.
I carry my baby in my heart always. I will always wonder who my baby would’ve been. Would I have a girl or a boy? What would their laugh sound like? I miss all the things I never will know about my baby. I didn’t lose just a baby, I lost my child who I will ride a bike. I will never see my baby try out sports. I will never my child see graduate high school. And that loss is heavy.
I recently gave birth to my rainbow baby girl, who I actually had a few weeks before the anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy loss. She has healed my heart a lot and I feel so lucky to have gotten her in my arms. However, many seem to forget about the baby I had before and forget that it really was a baby. I may not have a grave to visit or pictures to show, but my baby mattered too. There is one that came before.