Jack

I’ve often said that child loss has its own language. A language only understood by parents who have experienced this kind of loss. It’s a loss that reaches the depths of your soul and leaves a lingering pain inside your heart.

My son Jack would have been 10 this year.

Every year, I wonder what he would be like. Would he have been an avid reader? Collected comic books? Or would sports have fueled his soul? I like to think he would have been a momma’s boy.

As a medium, I know that my son is safe on the other side, but this knowing doesn’t always bring relief to my heart.

Over the past 10 years, my brain has tried to make sense of something that I know won’t be “complete” or “done” until I leave this world. There are answers that only God has, and I have had to accept that those answers are on the other side of my life here.

You see, child loss really is indescribable. Something so painful and raw. Something that changes you forever.

I also know that the changes can be a beautiful, yet cathartic, opening of your heart. Allowing for your soul to breathe new life into your world as you build a relationship with your child in spirit. 

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My daughter Emma was our miracle baby. My husband had a reversal so we could have her, and we were given a 15% chance of conceiving naturally. I can still remember the day I paced the kitchen waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. When the timer on my phone went off, I froze as I looked down to see the 2 pink lines. I stood there for what seemed like hours staring at the test with tears streaming down my face.

I can remember touching my belly and telling her how much I loved her. I then grabbed the phone to tell my husband that we had made a baby. Creating life and becoming a mother was so precious to me.

The years following Emma’s birth were incredibly difficult. She had a blockage that impacted her breathing. I don’t think any of us slept for 4 years. She had surgery just after her 4th birthday and she literally doubled in size in the months after. Sleepless nights were a thing of the past.

As things were so difficult with Emma after she was born, I didn’t think I wanted more children until she started to ask why she didn’t have a brother. She started to compile a list of all the things she wanted to show him, all the books she would read to him, how she would teach him to ride a bike.

I started to wonder if our family was complete with the three of us.

I then began to dream of a little boy each night. Soon after I’d close my eyes, he would be there. He would take me by the hand, and we would run into the light together.

We would talk for what seemed like hours, days even, about everything and nothing at all. Then we would fly. We were weightless and free.

He felt like home.

Each morning I would wake up with such joy in my heart. I would carry his essence with me throughout the day.

As we didn’t think we would have more children after Emma was born, I had had a tubal. I started to question my decision and began to research in vitro, surrogacy and even adoption. One night as we tidied up the dishes from supper, I asked my husband what he would think if we had another baby. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes as he wrapped me in his arms.

We were going to have another baby.

The in vitro journey had begun. Looking back, I can see where things weren’t aligned, but in the moment, all I wanted, and dreamt of, was holding my son in my arms.

My husband named him Jack even before we had everything ready to start the process.

Jack. My sweet boy.

I continued to dream of him every night, and I could see all the dreams that included him in our lives. Emma’s list of books to read to Jack grew daily. She was already a proud big sister. At dinner we would talk about all the places we would take Jack. Share our favourite things with him. Show him everything.

He felt as real to me as my husband and daughter did. I felt like our family was complete.

The day I lost Jack is a day I’ll never forget. There are certain moments in life where you can tell something is off just by the look in someone’s eyes. Everything in my world instantly stopped when they told us that the in vitro didn’t go according to plan. It was like time stood still. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience and that maybe they were wrong.

We had exhausted all other options to have Jack, so not being able to have a viable pregnancy through in vitro was devastating. I felt like my one chance to have him was gone.

My brain would try to make sense of something that broke my heart into a million pieces, and I knew that my life would never be the same. I began to question everything: God, the doctors, my faith, my spouse, and even Jack.

At a time when I needed my spouse the most, he wasn’t there for me. I would cry myself to sleep, make a concerted effort to not talk about Jack with him, and wonder what the future held for our family.

My husband would say things like, “Be thankful you have Emma,” and “It just wasn’t meant to be.” His response to the loss of Jack brought a level of pain that I thought might just kill me.

Losing Jack was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

Everything was different. I was different, the house was different, even the day-to-day was all different. Nothing made sense anymore. 

In the hopes of staying busy, I packed up everything that I had bought for Jack. It all reminded me that he wasn’t here. 

Looking for answers, I went to see an intuitive in my city. After sharing what happened with Jack, she told me I just gave up, and that I could have found other ways to have a baby. I was crushed. I felt my heart break all over again.

That conversation hurt me to my core, and I began to gaslight myself, believing that losing Jack was all my fault. The guilt and shame were palpable.

A few months later I was guided to Laurel, who is a beautiful teacher and guide. My time with her would literally bring me back to life.

She asked me, “Shauna, have you talked to Jack?”

I started to cry and replied, “No, Jack’s gone. He died.”

“He’s here and he wants to talk to you,” she said. “Look and you’ll see him.”

I stared in disbelief as I watched a beautiful, majestic angel walking toward me holding hands with a little boy. The little boy appeared to be about 4 years old.

As they came closer to me, I felt time stand still and I clasped my hands over my mouth. I felt Jack’s energy all around me.

He held out his little hand like he wanted to give me something. I opened my hand, and he placed a small heart-shaped rock in it. I told him I loved him, and he said, “I love you more, Momma.”

He climbed into my lap and placed his head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and for the first time in years, I felt like I could breathe again.

The tears slid down my face, but they didn’t carry sadness, instead they were tears filled with joy and peace. The longing I felt for Jack subsided and I just held him.

I’m not sure how long we sat together that day, but every moment was Heaven for me as I bathed in his energy and love.

He looked up at me and said, “the angel wants to take me back, Momma.” 

Jack jumped up and walked over to the angel who took his little hand in hers. They started to walk back into the light when Jack stopped and turned around. He said, “I love you, Momma, I’ll see you soon.” He waved and I blew him a kiss. 

It’s a day that will be etched in my heart and soul forever. The day my Jack came back to me.

Laurel explained to me that all the grief and sorrow I felt from losing Jack had added more pain to my heartache and prevented me from connecting with him on the Other Side.

She gently said to me, “You must give your grief the dignity it deserves. Jack will help you to heal your heartache.”

My heart began to heal that day. And, in the days and weeks that followed my reading, I felt hopeful again knowing that my son was okay, and that I could connect with him whenever I needed to.

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After my reading with Laurel, I opened one of the boxes with Jack’s things and chose a stuffed bear. As I grieved him, I would hold the bear next to my heart.

There are no words to describe the pain of losing a child, but it is through the heartache and loss that new life is found. Being able to connect with Jack, started to mend my heart and I was able to find new hope again. I became acquainted with the new version of me. My loss had changed me in ways I had never imagined possible, and I was no longer the person I used to be before Jack.

​I am blessed to be able to watch Jack as he grows up in Heaven. He gets bigger every time I see him, and I still find heart rocks wherever I go.

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Shauna Domalain is a Spiritual Medium and Grief Counselor. She lives in Calgary, Canada with her family and fur babies. Visit her website for more information: www.livealifeyoulove.organd check out her podcast on iTunes: The Oracle of Light.