Zen

I’m praying for any woman who has suffered through a miscarriage.

I suffered from preeclampsia on July 22, 2018, when I lost my daughter Zen at 24 weeks.

Giving birth while losing a baby at the same time is excruciating. Processing the birth of life and instant death is an emotionally turbulent process. Planning a funeral instead of their first day at home is BEYOND heartbreaking. Holding your lifeless baby feels like you’re dying slowly. Knowing this is the only time you’ll get to hold your baby is agonizing. Taking pictures together because you’ll never get to see their little beautiful face again feels like betrayal because it’s not a joyous moment in front of the camera. The stranger taking photos and capturing so many levels of pain in an attempt to memorialize their beautiful soul is insufferable. Saying your final goodbye to their physical body is unbearable. Leaving the hospital with a box of items feels empty. Living day to day in a body that was growing a human is sobering. Still looking pregnant with no baby is suffocating. Answering innocent but gut-wrenching questions from your children who expected a new sibling, and/or from family members, feels like a million knives beings stabbed into your heart. Finding the strength to breathe feels insurmountable. So many levels of pain and hurt. Everything hurts. Everyone’s hurt. Being robbed of the ability to spend a lifetime with the baby you’ve been growing inside is numbing. You feel so lost! So many questions….. How? When? and WHY? The answers never provide answers, they provide justifications without closure.

The wholeness from the dream of new mommy hood now turned into a hollow nightmare….but life….must go on. But how? One second at a time until you can manage the moments in time, moments in time turn into hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. But even in those times, you’ll go back to taking it one second at a time as you remember the moment of loss, their little face, and their tiny body parts. You may even create occasions to celebrate their short lives. Eventually you may be able to smile and reflect happily on the time you enjoyed with her/him during pregnancy and hopefully your only moment of holding them may provide comfort for your never-ending heartache.

Celebrate their memory, honor your loss, take time to grieve, cry A LOT, rest, give yourself a TON of grace, forgive family and friends as they mean well no matter the message they send, and take it slow. It’s a long process and you’ll make it through the journey in your own special way.

With a warm heart and tender hugs,
Tamieka Range, Mommy to angel baby Zen