Gabriel
Hello Mamas! My name is Ashton Koehlmoos and I’m the Mama to my angel son Gabriel and 3 earthy sons – Oliver, Mason, & Lincoln.
Our story begins actually before my first was born as my husband and we navigated infertility. We didn’t know of his infertility until I had my first endometriosis removal and diagnostic surgery through PPVI. It was then we discovered that I wasn’t ovulating and my husband had a sperm count of five (low is considered 15 million). To say we were devastated was an understatement.
We continued to work through NaPro Technology to heal both of us. We underwent 3 surgeries between the two of us and I was now ovulating on my own with lots of other improvements and my husband increased his sperm count to 1.5 million. After 4 years of working with NaPro, it was evident that we would never conceive naturally with my husband’s sperm count. Infertility was beginning to affect our marriage so we chose to do 1 round of IVF as we has such a strong calling to pursue biological children. IVF was very successful for us and finally after 5 years, we brought our first child home.
Shortly after Oliver turned 1, we transferred who is now known as Gabriel (we don’t know the genders of our embryos). We actually transferred him secretly as we always hated how infertility robbed us of the opportunity to surprise our parents with a pregnancy. We found out we were pregnant right around December 2020. Shocked and so excited, we FINALLY felt our longest, darkest days were behind us as it seemed we only needed help with conception.
On December 21st, we got the great news that the pregnancy was viable at our 7 week appointment and surprised our families at Christmas time.
We moved to our current location in NW Iowa from SW Iowa. My husband and I both grew up here and wanted to be closer to family. So we changed providers. Everything was going as it should and Gabriel was always growing 3 days ahead of his due date of 8-7-21.
On January 18th, I heard his heartbeat for the first time via my doppler. I was 11 weeks along. At my 12 week appointment, my doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat in the room, but I wasn’t worried since I had found it at home before our appointment. We went back to a room with an ultrasound machine which confirmed everything was okay and he was still growing 3 days ahead.
As we were approaching the 15 week mark, we still hadn’t told “the world yet”. And this is where I struggle. We don’t really know why. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to, but COVID restrictions were still rampid and we weren’t really seeing anyone. In coming up with clever ways to share, I saw one where a Mama and the other child shared a number but one was weeks and one was months. Oliver was turning 15 months in the same week Gabriel was turning 15 weeks – perfect! I suggested it to my husband and he loved it.
So on Saturday Feb. 13, 2021, we shared with the world. Before we took the picture though on Friday the 12th, I told my husband that I wanted to check with my doppler just to “be sure”. Immediately I found his little heart thumping away. Little did I know that would be the last time I would hear his little heart.
For 10 days, we basked in the love and congratulations from our family and loved ones. The next weekend, my parents were over and we were sharing all our plans of how we would adjust our home to a family of 4.
Monday Feb. 22nd was my 16 week appointment. I vividly remember assuring my husband that he didn’t need to come. “They are just going to get my weight, measure my tummy, check my blood pressure, check via doppler, ask some questions, and have me pee in a cup” was what I told him.
My mother-in-law was coming over to watch Oliver for me. And as I was scrambling around trying to get ready, something just felt off. I wanted to check doppler as that was “my thing” before appointments, but ran out of time that day. I remember telling myself that I was only feeling off because I ran out of time and that this was a time I needed to lean into trusting my body. I shutter now what I would have been like had I tried. I REALLY think Gabriel protected me in that moment.
In my appointment, the doctor again couldn’t find the HR, but I thought absolutely nothing of it because this happened last time. We made small talk as we walked back to the room. I again felt the feeling I had at home, but took a deep breath and said “no, trust your body”.
I got up on the table, got the goo and immediately knew that what was on the screen wasn’t right. The baby was lifeless. Then simultaneously, the doctor said the worst sense known to mankind, “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat”
This is where my memory gets fuzzy. Despair and disbelief washed over me. For some reason, the first thought that came to me was “we have to untell our news”. The doctor left and got a nurse. I couldn’t speak. I somehow got out that I needed to call my husband which she did for me.
I then got taken to a formal ultrasound room – the one with all the baby pictures on the wall. And the first thing the tech did was shut off the big TV I could see. I was trying to see her screen out of the corner of my eye. I remember asking what the gender was, but she said she couldn’t tell with how he was lying. As she was finishing up, I asked if she had any pictures, and when she was all done, and she put her hand on my shoulder and said “Oh honey, why don’t you take a few days to decide if you want them. If you do, you can always reach out”. She then left the room and there I sat for over an hour alone.
I now know how wrongly I was treated and refuse to ever be seen there again, but in the moment, I was too in shock to realize how wrongly I was being treated let alone recognize it and or fight for what I needed.
The ultrasound tech then asked if she could give me a hug and then left the room. And there I sat, completely alone with babies and happy mothers all around me. My husband worked 50 min away from the hospital and I sat alone in the room until he got there. I remember feeling desperate, longing for someone to hold space with me. I tried calling my mom, but because I was in the middle of a hospital, I had no reception. Texts weren’t going through, and I wasn’t able to learn where my husband was.
When he arrived, they brought him through a different door than the one I had. They let us be and we clung to each other and we wept and I told him what I knew which wasn’t very much. We then again sat….and sat….and sat.
Finally, the doctor came in to explain we couldn’t deliver there and the baby needed to come out that night (again, wrongly treated) and that we either had to go to Sioux Falls or Sioux City. He wanted to know if we had a preference. We said no and agreed that whoever got back first is where we would go.
Thankfully by the grace of God and Gabriel, Sioux Falls got back to him first, but not after letting my husband and I sit alone for over an hour. At this point, it was almost 5pm and my appointment had been at 1pm. Sioux Falls wanted me to come up the next day to be seen by their team since our pregnancy was IVF and they dealt with those all the time, “We know what to look for” is what they said. That felt fine to us as we only wanted to get home and squeeze Oliver.
Before we left, the doctor asked if he could pray over us. We agreed. And that was the very last we ever heard from him again. Not hearing from him after my delivery was the nail in the coffin for me to never ever return. More on this at the end of my story.
That night, I contacted a mentor and friend only because she was the one person I knew who had experienced pregnancy loss. I had no idea 1 in 4 experienced loss. To my surprise, I also learned that she was a bereavement doula and had recently supported a Mama who experienced the loss of her twins at 15 weeks and delivered in the same hospital I would be just a few months earlier. She was able to explain to me all my options and that I could deliver my baby if I wanted to. She was also able to walk us through what the COVID procedures looked like since it was early 2021 at that time and precautions were still in place.
That night, my husband kept asking if I was sure if I wanted to deliver this baby. He felt that a D&C may just be better so I didn’t have to go through anything. But when I was stating my reasons, I cried out that “He’s a BABY Andrew, a baby with bones and a spine, I can’t just let them scrape that out of me.” And I’ll never forget the look on his face. He didn’t realize how formed the baby was because the last time he saw the baby it was a little gummy bear bouncing around. He looked at me and said, “I didn’t realize that.” Again, goes back to how poorly we were treated. They should have ran another ultrasound when my husband arrived.
We spent the rest of the night talking through names as I felt that was most appropriate. If I was going to deliver this baby, it was going to be given a name. Except this time, it felt so strange picking out 2 names for a child that was deceased versus last time – when we did this for a child we brought home. I can’t tell you what we picked out for the girl’s name, but my husband landed on “Gabriel” for the boy’s name. He shared the meaning and I cried…it was perfect because all I could imagine was someday him bringing us our rainbow baby when the timing was right.
The next day, we met Dr. Boyle and his team of angels. I got the ultrasound pictures of him that I wanted and the tech walked us through everything she was doing and looking for. She too couldn’t tell his gender based on how he was lying, but confirmed he was still 3 days ahead in gestation, so he passed away right before my appointment. After she closed the door, the first thing my husband said with tears in his eyes was, “It is a baby isn’t it?!”
We didn’t have to wait long before Dr. Boyle walked into the room. And the the first thing he said to us was that this baby was causing me no danger and I could take my time – all the time I needed – deciding how I wanted to deliver him. He encouraged Mamas in my situation to deliver so they could see a potential cause of death and to get the closure.
Already knowing we would deliver before he even said that, we went in on Thursday February 25th for our induction set to begin at 8pm. That day, I asked my husband to take some maternity pictures. I didn’t want to, but knew I would regret not taking them (and I’m so glad I did).
Surprisingly, that night I was able to get some sleep in the hospital, but nothing….nothing was happening. I honestly didn’t know what to expect though as I kinda imagined it to be over in a few hours. But almost 24 hours passed and my body wasn’t responding to the cytotc well. I was beginning to worry about a D&C, as I did not want another surgery because I had had so many through infertility and didn’t want to increases chances of not being able to get pregnant in future. The nurse assured me through my tears that my body just wasn’t ready to let Gabriel go yet and that a D&C wasn’t even on the table.
That conversation must have been the safety my body needed as about an hour or so later, I began having contractions. It was around 7-8pm. I didn’t want medications for the pain. I’ve always wanted a unmedicated birth and didn’t get that with Oliver. But honestly this time, I wanted the pain. I wanted to feel something if I was going to do this.
At around 8:30, the contractions were really picking up so I moved from my standing position to the bed on my hands and knees. The nurse with with us for the last 45min or so guiding me through. She needed to step out quickly because she knew I was close to delivering. Shortly after she stepped out, I could feel my body pushing and before I knew it something huge came out of me. I remember crying out to my husband “what was that? Can you see it?!” And he said “it’s here”.
At that moment the nurse came rushing back in with the doctor. It was 8:47pm. They sat me back and there I saw a ball of mass. I had delivered everything completely and “en caul” birth. The doctor praised what a good thing this was as that meant the placenta was inside too which meant a D&C was still completely off the table.
Still not knowing the gender the doctor walked us through everything as she cut open the sac and there lied our baby. “A little boy” she said and my heart wrenched. I wanted a daughter, but knowing he was a little boy and what a joy Oliver was, my heart broke even more. She continued to look through everything and all looked as it should.
She placed him in a blanket and handed him to me and my husband. “Perfection” is all I can say. Every feature was there. The only thing that was slightly off was 1 of his ears was sitting a little high, but it’s around 16 weeks where the ears lower into their proper places. But what stood out to me the most was his little hands and the wrinkles he had on his knuckles. Everything about him was complete perfection.
My parents brought Oliver up so he could meet his little brother as that was something I insisted on. I wanted that 1 family photo because he would always be apart of our family. A priest came in to bless him. By the time we went to bed that night it was around 1am and Gabriel spent the night with us at the foot of the bed. That morning we had breakfast with him and held him a little more. While my husband showered, I snapped photos of him so I would have them. I didn’t want to, but I’m so grateful I did.
When it was time for him to go, it didn’t feel real. It almost felt I was in a fairy tale and he was here and we were going to take him home. I sobbed and cried out as they rolled him away as the funeral home was there to take him to be cremated.
As the nurse was doing our discharge stuff, she brought in a clay heart with his hands imprinted. I cannot tell you how much comfort that gives me still today in helping him feel real.
A few days later, we brought him home and he sits on a special shelf in our living room where he can see everything.
A few weeks later, we got the call from genetics that everything came back absolutely normal and no cause of death was found. So while we will never know, my Mama guts tells me I wasn’t on enough progesterone support as I’ve needed that in some capacity throughout all my pregnancies, especially early on. And that my doctor decreased my dose 2 weeks prior at a time when it should have been increased. Needless to say, I went back to my first provider for all my subsequent pregnancies.
Circling back to my trauma and how I was poorly treated, I never again heard from my doctor who told me my baby was gone after we had delivered. Both hospitals I worked with were under “Sanford” care, so he should have been notified when my charts were updated in MyChart. When I got a hand-written note from the doctor who cared for in the first night, it was the nail in the coffin for me to never return.
I can’t really tell you how I got through the next few weeks and months because there was just so much anger. “Why us?” cut so deep after having gone through infertility. I kept asking “Haven’t we gone through enough already?” It took a lot of therapy, journaling, and self-reflection to realize that God had us the entire time. Exactly 6 months to the day, I walked into another hospital to transfer our now rainbow baby – Mason. Was was born on 5-2-22 (backwards 25 and 22 was the date we learned Gabriel was gone).
I continue to share his story and spread education through my business – Resilient Mama Fitness & Lifestyle – where I help Mamas navigate their fitness and lifestyle through the journeys of pregnancy and postpartum. I really have a heart for helping the TTC Mama and Mama with an angel(s) navigate their fitness journeys because of how much more difficult they are emotionally and how no one talks about the role that plays. To honor Gabriel and help other loss Mamas, I created a 100% Free Guide called Gabriel’s Guide which is a guide to help Mamas navigate the “What Comes Next” in both the emotional and physical healing. It includes education and resources, as well as a free 6 week training program to help return to fitness. All things I wish someone would have handed me after loss. I built it with the help of my bereavement doula and therapist to ensure the next Mama is getting the care she deserves.
If you’re still here, thank you for reading our story.
A pregnancy loss blog 