Emily

It’s so strange how one moment you’re happy and the next your world is shattering into a million little pieces.

In January 2022, we found out we were expecting. We were so happy and told close friends and family about the bundle of joy coming. On February 11, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I immediately started crying and calling my husband to figure out what to do. We went to the ER where we got to see our little baby and told that we had a threatened miscarriage. We went home feeling so scared and confused. On February 13 as we were leaving Target, I felt something leave my body. I looked at my husband to get us home now – we raced home and I went to the bathroom where a flood of blood came out. Our sweet little baby left us and went home to be with Jesus.

It was a crazy couple of weeks – various doctors appointments, my blood getting drawn all the time to make sure my body did it correctly, all the emotions and pain that come along with miscarriage. People’s faces that look on you with sadness as you tell them awful news instead of joy.

God sent a dream the night before that I gave birth to a sweet little girl with eyes that match my husband. The night that our miscarriage was confirmed we sat, prayed, cried and the name Emily was brought to us. We are mourning the loss of our little girl who was wanted so much. But in the midst of this we have seen God move – we had food dropped off, all the chai tea my body could contain, our bathrooms deep cleaned by a friend who knew that they were a place of shame for me. People sent flowers – I found it beautiful that each of them had lilies were closed and then opened up very slowly – like as I was grieving they were blooming, showing me that I don’t have to rush grief.

In March, I got a letter from my insurance company telling me congratulations for being a new mom and to sign up for their program. I was so mad at that piece of paper – I called my insurance, got a very cheery lady who was probably ready to sign me up when I told her in the most monotone voice I have ever made in my life – “no I don’t want to sign up. I had a miscarriage and I lost my baby.” This lady started crying and crying. I was trying to console her and just letting her know that I didn’t want to be on the list anymore. She said she would.

Right before Mother’s Day I got the same paper again.

Now I was pissed. I see now why mama bears get so mad when you touch their cubs. I called them again and told them “no, I don’t want to sign up. I had a miscarriage and I lost my baby.” The phone suddenly went very quiet. The first person I talked to said that there was no way to take my name of the list. I told them that I wanted to speak to their manager because that is BS that you can’t take my name of a list that I didn’t ask to be on. They transferred me to another person who said yes she could take my name off the list. Ever since that phone call I haven’t seen that damn piece of paper show up at my mailbox.

Every time I get my period, I get brought back to that cold February day. I now freak myself out by telling myself that any random symptoms could be pregnancy, only to get my hopes dashed by the awful blood that I get to see instead.

We are now trying again but it still so scary. My husband and I were talking about it and we both know we are scared for the next time. My miscarriage took away my innocence about pregnancy, but brought me so much strength.

I’m so sorry for every woman who this has to go through this. I wish I could take away the pain, I really wish I could. Thankfully, being a loss mom has made me connect with so many others. I can’t wait until I go to heaven and get to meet my little girl who was gone way too soon.