Toni shared the story of her baby Kingston on the blog in May 2022. This is her perspective of life after pregnancy loss.

It has been 1 year, 9 months and 21 days since we were told that our sweet baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I still remember that cold, snowy day. I remember the heartbreak in my children’s eyes as we asked the ultrasound tech to look again and try harder to find the heartbeat and watching my husband hit his knees, pleading with Jesus and calling out for my sons heart to beat again.

I remember feeling the most lost I’ve ever felt. Completely unable to make one single decision. I was met with a wall of uncertainty and, if I’m honest, I find myself back at that wall from time to time. 

It’s hard to believe how much time just moves on. Almost as though I am supposed to just walk away and pretend it never happened. 

Life after loss is really weird. One moment I’m completely fine, without a care in the world and then the biggest wave of grief just knocks me down again. It’s something I never imagined I’d walk through. Still to this day I can hear the ultrasound tech’s words ringing in my head. It feels like a really bad nightmare, except this is actually my reality. 

As a believer in Jesus, don’t think I didn’t and still don’t wonder why Jesus didn’t bring my baby boy back to me. I definitely do. It’s in those moments I have to remind myself that even though that moment in time didn’t go how I thought it should go, He is still so good and He hears me when I pray. 

Grief isn’t just over, unfortunately. It doesn’t just leave. It’s a story in and of itself, and while I don’t like to read it very often, I know one day my story will be able to help someone else and I’ll know the purpose behind my pain. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Jesus didn’t take my baby. He is still so good and He can always be trusted.